Fulfilling mitzvah

Adoptions make Jewish families

BY VICKI CABOT

A child in need and a family that wants a child. That's the essence of adoption. But how those precious connections are made is as individual as each child, as special as each family.

Single parents or married couples, newborns or older children, children from this country or another, open adoptions with contact with the birth family, and closed adoptions without it, private adoptions or those arranged through an agency - there are a number of possibilities to explore and prospects to consider.

Stars of David, an international organization that provides adoption information and education to prospective parents, adoptive families, adult adoptees, birth families and the Jewish community, suggests on its Web site that information, support and networking are the most valuable assets to bring to the process. Add to that being persistent, taking risks, making leaps of faith, being creative in finding available resources - and patience.

The journey can be circuitous - as was the case for Cantor Peter Halpern and his son, Nathan - and expensive. Stars of David estimates costs can run from $15,000 to $30,000 or beyond, making even more helpful the possibility of an interest-free loan from Jewish Free Loan's Al and Fran Sachs Fund for Jewish Adoption.

It can be challenging, as families add a new child to their mix, often nowadays from a different ethnic background. Finding ways to preserve that cultural history for their child while creating a new Jewish future is a consideration, say adoptive parents Steve and Karen Tepper. Families can choose from an array of meaningful rituals - conversion; brit milah, circumcision, or hatafat dam, a ritual circumcision for an already circumcised son; simchat bat, a ceremony celebrating the birth of a daughter - to affirm the child's Jewish identity. Some parents, such as Adam and Sara Tennen, sign a parental affirmation of commitment, pledging to rear their child in the Jewish faith and provide a Jewish education and a Jewish home.

The joys - and difficulties - of adoption are captured in the following trio of stories. They reflect the understanding of what it means to adopt a child - a mitzvah, as Rabbi Robin Damsky points out - and the serious Jewish responsibilities such a mitzvah implies.

"The mitzvah of p'ru ur'vu, procreation, is not fulfilled in the act of giving birth," explains Rabbi Darren Kleinberg, who participated in Rylie Tennen's conversion along with Rabbis Damsky and Mark Bisman, "but actually in raising the child."

'Blessed'

"The minute she came in, we knew."

So Sara Tennen describes her feelings when first meeting daughter, Rylie Naina.

"She was dressed in an orange outfit, her hair all crazy, her face all cheeks with these huge eyes."

"That's her," Tennen recalls thinking.

She and husband, Adam, traveled to Astana, Kazakhstan, last fall to adopt their daughter.

The couple, married five years, decided to pursue an international adoption when starting their family and chose Kazakhstan because the country requires prospective parents to reside there for several weeks while completing the adoption process.

"We wanted to live there and learn about the culture," says Tennen, "and then incorporate it into our family."

They spent two months bonding with their daughter before "Gotcha Day" put her in their hands. They had time to become accustomed to being parents and to soak up the surrounding culture (and shop to bring some mementos home) before completing the adoption process and returning to the Valley with Rylie in tow.

Tennen says the couple did exhaustive research before deciding on Kazakhstan and choosing an agency, Commonwealth Adoptions in Tucson. While their experience went off without a hitch, Tennen recalls its emotional intensity.

"I never remember crying so much," she says now. "It was so stressful."

The couple could request age - 7-12 months - and "healthy as possible," but were provided with little other information about their prospective offspring.

"Does anyone know what to expect?" suggests Tennen.

The couple feels incredibly blessed, they say. They've decorated Rylie's room with items from Kazakhstan and have a stash of gifts for future birthdays that they purchased there. They hope to take Rylie back to visit her native country one day and would consider adopting a Kazakh sibling for her.

"If we could afford it, we would do the process again," says Sara Tennen, an attorney in private practice. Adam Tennen, assistant campaign director at Jewish Federation of Greater Phoenix, says the cost of the adoption, including travel expenses, was comparable to the price of a very nice luxury car.

The couple received a loan from Jewish Free Loan's Al and Fran Sachs Fund for Jewish Adoption to help defray costs. Interest-free loans, up to $10,000 payable over five years, are available to single persons or couples in the community who wish to adopt.

"The loan was very helpful," says Adam Tennen.

Rylie received her Hebrew name, Shoshana Rut, surrounded by family and friends at a baby naming ceremony Feb. 17. She is named for her paternal great-grandmother, Rose Weiner, and her maternal great-great-aunt, Ruthie Glincher. Her middle name, Naina, which means "relating to the eyes," was given to her by her birth mother in Kazakhstan.

The month before the simchat bat, or celebration of a daughter, Rylie was immersed in the mikvah at Congregation Beth Israel in a traditional conversion ceremony. A beit din of three rabbis, Robin Damsky of Congregation Or Chadash of the Northeast Valley, where the Tennens are members; Mark Bisman, of Har Zion Congregation; and Darren Kleinberg of KiDMa-The Southwest Community, officiated. As part of the ceremony, her parents made a formal commitment to raise their child in the Jewish tradition.

Rylie, who attends preschool at Har Zion, loves school, especially the Jewish stuff, says her mom, who tells of catching a glimpse of the active toddler at home pretending to welcome Shabbat with Kiddush cup in hand and tzedakah box at the ready.

Says Adam Tennen of his new daughter, "We feel we are the lucky ones."

'One more Jew'

Ask Cantor Peter Halpern what it means to be a father and he gets teary-eyed.

"It is so magical," says the newly arrived cantor at Temple Chai of his now 4-year-old son Nathan, "and so difficult."

His road to assuming the amazing responsibilities of fatherhood, too, was fraught with difficulty.

Halpern, who grew up on Long Island in a family of five, says he had always loved children and felt he could be a good parent. But he was waiting, he says.

"I was thinking I needed a partner first," he says, "then a child will come."

But after a single friend adopted a son, the idea of parenting alone began to percolate.

"Subconsciously I thought, this could work," he says now. "And then the paternal yearning became so strong, I did not want to wait."

Halpern embarked on the process while serving as cantor at Temple Adat Elohim in Thousand Oaks, Calif.

He contacted Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles and enrolled in an adoption orientation program.

"It helped me make a decision about what type of adoption I wanted - foreign or domestic, newborn or older child, private or through an agency - and helped me realize what I was looking for," says Halpern.

His search took him from state agencies in California to a private agency in New Mexico with an orphanage in Guatemala and back to California again. Along the way, he saw one adoption fall through after the birth mother had a change of heart and had a disappointing, and expensive, encounter with a Los Angeles adoption lawyer. The entire endeavor cost nearly double what most individuals or couples might pay for an overseas adoption, says Halpern, grateful for a loan he received from Jewish Free Loan in Los Angeles. Ultimately, he found Nathan after opening the yellow pages and randomly selecting an agency.

The agency, AdoptHelp, was located just two miles from Halpern's home, and fortuitously had a child for him.

"Can you take an infant next week?" the director asked him at an initial meeting.

"Very coolly, I said, 'Sure,' " recalls the cantor. Two weeks later, Nathan was born.

Nathan's birth parents lived in Mississippi, relates Halpern. Already the parents of three youngsters, they felt they could not raise a fourth child. He met the family, including Nathan's paternal grandmother, over dinner at an Olive Garden restaurant the night before Nathan arrived.

The birth mother raised the issue of religion.

"I understand that he will be a little Jewish boy," Halpern recalls her saying. "But what about chocolate Easter eggs?"

"If he wants them, he can have them," Halpern says he replied.

Halpern has had no personal contact with the birth parents since finalizing the adoption, though he sent them photos the first two years through their lawyer, according to the adoption agreement. The parents gave him Mardi Gras beads and a book telling Nathan that he was loved. Halpern also received extensive genetic information.

Nathan was welcomed into the Halpern family by his grandparents, aunts, uncles and others at a combination bris/conversion ceremony in New York. He's enrolled part-time at the temple preschool and part-time in a prekindergarten program in public school.

Halpern says being a father has made him more aware of his own imperfections and has enhanced his respect for others.

"There are so many choices, so many ways to be a good parent," he says.

It is challenging at times, and tough, he admits.

Still, the joy is palpable as Halpern speaks of making Shabbat with his son on Friday nights and reciting the Shema with him at bedtime. There is magic, he says, in helping to form another Jewish life.

"One more Jew," he says in awe, "and he is mine."

'A star'

Two colorful drawings decorate the entryway into Steve Tepper's office at the Barness Family Jewish Community Center. One is by 5-year-old Zoâ, the biological child of Tepper and his wife, Karen. The other is by her adopted sister, almost-3-year-old Molly. Though the two little girls entered their parents' lives through separate doors, it's clear that they have found the same path into their hearts.

A difficult pregnancy, complicated by the risk of one of the dreaded Jewish genetic diseases and the premature delivery of their daughter, led the Teppers to consider adoption. Watching the heartbreaking loss of another baby in Zoâ's neonatal intensive care unit heightened their sensitivity to the risk.

"Watching those parents, I did not think I could do it again," says Steve Tepper, BFJCC executive director.

The couple began seriously discussing adoption when Zoâ was 2.

Karen Tepper, who has a doctorate in human development and family studies, researched both sides of the question - a biological child versus an adopted child - and prepared a packet to study.

"We spent countless hours discussing which is the better option," says Steve Tepper.

In the end, "It just felt right to me," says Karen Tepper. "There are so many children in need, and we were a family that wanted a child."

Once they decided on adoption, Karen Tepper began exploring possibilities.

The couple opted for an international adoption and decided on China, impressed with the orderly process. They also knew they wanted a girl, and there are more girls in China.

They chose an agency in Boston, China Adoption with Love, making their preliminary application in April 2006; they brought Molly home in February 2008.

In between, they complied with the extensive requirements of the adoption process, including home study, financial disclosure, medical qualification, letters of reference and insurance certification, plus immigration approval and security clearance.

"They (the authorities) want to assure that she will have a good home and be well cared for," says Karen Tepper.

They received a couple of photos and a medical and developmental report, opting for an independent review of Molly's medical file.

The Teppers traveled to China with Zoâ to bring back her little sister. They met her on their third day there.

"They hand her to you, dressed, with a Moon Pie in her hand so she won't cry," says Steve Tepper.

And then they were a family, spending another 10 days in China to complete the process, then flying home with two kids, five bags and two exhausted parents.

The first few weeks were hard, say the Teppers, a succession of firsts. Molly, just past 2 years old when she arrived, had never been in a car seat, played on a playground or had an array of foods to choose from. She suffered from "night terrors," waking up screaming, hitting and kicking. She hoarded food, pushing a whole apple into her mouth.

But little by little she has acclimated.

"It's a challenge," says Karen Tepper, "trying to establish trust and helping her understand what it means to be part of a family and have unconditional love."

China has become part of the family's life, and Karen Tepper is sensitive to the past that Molly has left behind even as a rich and beautiful future beckons.

Steve Tepper says they are focusing on that future, and how to make it a vibrant Jewish one for their daughters.

The family is planning a Conservative conversion at their shul, Or Chadash in Tucson, and another celebration here. Molly attends preschool at the BFJCC.

Steve Tepper says he feels good about providing Molly with the vast resources of family and community that will give her a better life. The Teppers, too, received a loan from the Jewish Free Loan Al and Fran Sachs Jewish Adoption Fund.

"We went into this thinking about our needs, our family," says Steve Tepper, "but we did not think that this is a mitzvah for our child.

"Here, she is a star."

Resources

Arizona Department of Economic Security, Division of Children, Youth and Families - Foster Care & Adoption
azdes.gov/dcyf/adoption
(877) 543-7633

Jewish Free Loan
anneross@jewishfreeloan.org
wendikeene@jewishfreeloan.org
602-230-7983

Stars of David
starsofdavid.org
(800) 782-7349

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